People give various reasons for poor self-esteem -childhood conditioning, unresolved traumas, lack of willpower, etc. Here I will detail the exact process by which poor self-esteem is caused and it would encompass all the possible reasons mentioned above as well as any possible reasons that you may be able to think of. Amazed? Read on.
We have to start with the idea that everything starts from a decision that we made. This first decision came about because of a desire by the psyche to obtain something. This can be as simple as wanting a lollipop all the way to being a multi-millionaire, or even states of being like joy and fulfillment.
The problem comes when through the pursuit of the goal or outcome, the person experiences defeat. Defeat could be any obstacle that prevented the person from obtaining what he wanted and at that point in time, the person made a decision of defeat which is different from the first decision. At that moment, two opposing decisions came into play, and the person experiences a movement of one decision to the other, leading to our problems in daily life.
All decisions remain in existence unless 3 things happen:
1) The person changes his mind about what he wanted; in this case, he does not experience defeat. The problem is that we have made so many decisions in the past that it is no longer part of our conscious makeup and therefore it is difficult to change our mind on all the past decisions that we have ever made.
2) The person realizes his goal in the physical reality. That is also why when a goal is achieved, we immediately seek a new goal because the original decision is dissolved.
3) The person can realize his goal in his subjective reality, or what we call his consciousness. This means that the first decision or the decision of defeat have to be perfectly duplicated or fully experienced in order to dissolve it.
To give an example for poor self-esteem, let’s look at this person called Tom. Tom makes a first decision when he was just a toddler – he wants to experience the love of his mother. One day not long after, his mother, because of a hard day at work, shouted at him. At that point in time, he may experience the incident as a defeat, and came to a decision of defeat, “I am unlovable.”
The trouble is that this decision of defeat does not eliminate the first decision he made of wanting the love of his mother. From then on, these two decisions, one of wanting the love of his mother, and the decision of defeat, “I am unlovable” run concurrently in him. This can show up in behavior like being shy and feeling that he don’t deserve the love of anyone around him.
This decision continues to cause Tom to experience unpleasant emotions and sensations whenever he is near to others. Even if he subsequently receives the love and adulation of others, this decision is not eliminated from his psyche because it does not duplicate his original decision of wanting the love of his mother and decision of defeat regarding his lovability. He can even try to bury it within his unconscious by smoking, drinking and using drugs, but it will eventually come back up to haunt him.
Some people mistakenly believe that by creating an opposite positive decision through techniques like autosuggestion or affirmations, it is possible to remove this decision of defeat, but again, the opposite positive decision does not duplicate the decision of defeat and so this decision of defeat will continue to persist.
The solution – the decision of defeat has to be perfectly duplicated and experienced in his consciousness. Some may think that this would be painful, and there are indeed techniques available that can ask a person to re-experience all the pain and hurt of the decision of defeat, but there is a simpler way. This is what we do with people of poor self-esteem in our work.
To repeat, until and unless the decisions of defeat are duplicated and dissolved, the problems faced in daily life would not and cannot be resolved through other means. All effective transformational techniques use the idea of duplicating the mind content of the decision of defeat and therefore dissolving it. All problems, including the problem of poor self-esteem, are caused by this same mechanism that I just outlined. Psychotherapy can take up to 4 years to get to the same problem because that is usually how long it takes to slowly go through the issue and totally duplicate the experience. We can do the same in a much shorter time, sometime in just a few sessions.
If you want a way to finally get to the root and cause of your poor self-esteem, look no further.